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She was assigned to a group with Sarah Weinflash, a 26-year-old production staff at a theatre company, and a few of her friends. Weinflash caught Dicken’s attention immediately.

“I thought she was kind of cute,” Dicken said. She began to make conversation with Weinflash and realized they had a lot in common. But their brief interaction was cut short when they were assigned to different bowling lanes for the rest of the night. Occasionally smiling and waving when they made eye contact, they never connected again because Weinflash had to leave early for work.

A week later, they met again at another event, “I was so excited because this girl who I thought was cute the week before was at this event too,” Dicken said. Once again, the girls were separated into different groups for games. “She left before we were able to like reconnect that night, and I was really bummed because two times in a row.” Dicken went home feeling miserable. However, Weinflsh got her number from a mutual acquaintance and texted Dicken. So it started: constant texts, coffee dates, dinner at their houses.

On the evening of March 7, after almost two months of romance, Dicken and Weinflash decided to make their relationship exclusive. A little over a week later, on March 20, New York City, the new epicentre of Covid-19, went into lockdown, and the couple has not seen each other since.

The coronavirus pandemic is forcing some young couples in their  twenties to change their approach to dating and romance and to find new, creative ways to maintain their relationships. Covid-19 has modified romance for couples at every stage of romantic life from partners who have been together for a while, to couples starting relationships, to singles just getting to know each other.

In a time of crisis, relationships can bring couples closer if they are focused on “being fully present with the people that they love,” said Christine Wilke, a licensed marriage and family therapist. She says that the pandemic has allowed some couples to develop a deeper understanding of their partners.

As the pandemic began to spread in New York, both women moved in to be with their families. Dicken, an adjunct professor, and a Ph.D. student is now working from home in Long Island; Weinflash, who was furloughed from her theatre job, is with her parents in New Jersey.

The couple has replaced face-to-face interaction with regular video calls. Dicken says that she’s “very thankful for modern technology,” as it has allowed her “to like see her face and hear her voice and talk to her and everything which is really nice.” Despite the ease of texts and video chats, Dicken reverted to one of the oldest forms of romance, writing a love letter. “I got a little old-fashioned and romantic and sent her a letter,” she said. “She loved it.”

While there are downsides to long-distance romance, what matters the most, Dicken says, is that “We still have each other, even if from a distance. I’m so grateful for that.”

Even when couples are physically apart, they can sustain emotional connections through with some technology assistance says Miriam Bellamy, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Colorado. “Just a small thing, like watching TV together,” she says.

That’s the strategy used by Daniela Cantillo, 24, and Dylan McDonough, 25, a couple who have recently been separated due to the coronavirus. Cantillo and Mcdonough met as students at Florida International University in 2016. Cantillo is self-isolating back home in Florida and McDonough in New York City.

The couple has been watching movies and TV shows together through Facebook video chat, starting and pausing the film at the same time, and then discussing the shows afterward. One of their favorite movies so far have been CoCo and Moana. They are currently watching “The Office” together, “I never saw it before, but he insists that I needed to,” Cantillo said. They also play online trivia and drawing games through a new video calling app called Houseparty with a few of their friends.

Cantillo and McDonough stayed good friends throughout college, regularly texting and calling before they realized they had strong feelings for one another. When Cantillo moved to New York City, where McDonough was located, to work at an Arts Non-for-profit more than two years ago, they decided to make the relationship official. Since then, Cantillo has gone back to school, currently completing a Master’s degree in International Affairs at the New School, and McDonough is working as a manager in sales at a stock media company.

The couple lived in separate apartments in Brooklyn and went on dates three to four times a week, often trying out new restaurants and bars. “I’m a huge foodie,” said Cantillo. The restaurant exploring days are over for now and she misses that aspect of their dating. “We can’t go on dinners anymore, share appetizers, and get a little drunk.”

The separation is not without its stresses with what Cantillo calls “a real coronavirus couple fight,” caused by her not paying attention to a movie that they were supposedly watching together. Despite their small quarrels, Cantillo thinks that their relationship will survive through this virus. “I went to Egypt for a month. The time difference was hard, but we still made it work,” Cantillo said. “It feels kind of nostalgic, a little bit like, it’s cute. To be put back into our long-distance roots.”

For other couples, COVID 19 has forced them to make decisive moves, such as living together sooner than they planned.

Dating for about a year, Erin Meskers, 25, and her boyfriend, Kyle Hodge, 27, saw each other at least four times a week, often sleeping over at each other’s apartments. Initially, the couple had planned to move in together in August. Yet, once the pandemic hit, they decided it was best for them to live together and to keep each other company during the self-isolation period. Meskers packed her things and moved into Hodge’s spacious, modern-looking apartment in Bushwick, who he shares with two other roommates.

The arrangement hasn’t quite turned out as the couple had planned.

“In the beginning, living together was not bringing us closer,” Meskers said. “I thought we were driving each other insane.” Little things like eating annoyed her. “I’ve been picking on him for chewing too loud,” Meskers said. “We’re not screaming at each other; we’re just getting more annoyed at each other.”

She blames the short tempers on being together 24 hours a day as both are working from home, Meskers as a brand partnerships and events coordinator at a cosmetics company, and her Hodge, 27, a staff writer at an online media company,  “It’s definitely been like a little bit of a roller coaster throughout the whole thing,” she said.

Wilke says this is not unusual. Relationships and marriage are “hard work.” She recommends that couples who are now spending a lot more time together because of the pandemic should “sit down and just map out a schedule,” and make sure they “create some personal time to recharge.” With any relationship, listening and communicating is the key.

In the case of Meskers and Hodge, living together has allowed the couple to have more conversations and to work on their differences. “I feel like it’s actually been more positive than negative,” Meskers said. Both schedule blocks of time alone, the couple spends every morning working on their own tasks and organizes time to call and virtually hang out with their own friends. In the evening, the couple cooks meals together. “That’s kind of been our favorite part of it, we used to eat out a lot and not cook, so it’s been fun to order groceries and make meals and baking cookies.”

Ultimately, for partners, separate or together, Bellamy stresses that “There’s something much bigger going on here. You don’t have to learn a new language; you don’t have to write your book. Take it easy. Let yourself relax. Perspective is the key to everything.”

The post Dating during a pandemic appeared first on Pavement Pieces.

As dating apps become a more widespread way to find love, finding a partner who is equally as enthusiastic about the four-legged furry companion becomes more important to dog owners.

Leigh Isaacson, Co-Founder and CEO of Dig, was inspired to build a dating app that connects fellow dog lovers with one another after her younger sister’s failed relationship with her non-dog loving partner.

 “My sister was dating a guy who tried to be a dog person for her, but by the end of the relationship he didn’t want the dog in the apartment, and if he did, he would put towels down on the couch, so the dog didn’t touch anything,” Isaacson said. “She realized two things, not only was this bad for a long-term relationship for her, but the dog itself was getting left at home.”

Isaacson wanted to help other canine loving singles cut to the chase and help them find lifelong partners who shared similar values through Dig.

 “People don’t want to have a general, giant list of people where you can swipe forever,” Isaacson said. “They want to find what matters to them.”

Having a dating app specifically made for dog lovers is an attractive prospect to many pooch owners as they believe it can help eliminate people who are not truly passionate about dogs.

Studies have shown that many people will use dogs in their online dating profiles to attract more dates, making it difficult to identify who the true dog lovers are. 

Katie Woods says having a dating app specifically made for dog owners and lovers can help eliminate people who are not truly passionate about dogs. Photo by Bessie Liu

Katie Wood, a Brooklynite and dog mom to 13-year-old Cockapoo, Cricket, said  that she and many of her friends have met many guys who aren’t really into dogs, but will use a dog in their online dating profile to attract more matches.

“If you talk to the guys and they’re like, oh yeah it was my friends’ dog three years ago, well that’s false advertising,” Wood said. “I just think that it probably weeds out a lot of the weirdos. If you can own and love a dog, you’re better suited to interact with people too. You know there’s a lot of weirdos out on those places, anything you can do to widdle that down a little bit is probably useful.”

Although the intention behind bringing together people who love dogs may sound good in theory, when put into practice, it doesn’t always work out as planned.

Boris Berenberg who was intrigued by the idea of a dating app that bonded people through their mutual love for dogs, used Dig for a short period of time. 

“I met someone and we dated for a while,”Berenberg said.“It was cool, her dog was sweet. Ended up not using the app much after that since I was dating her,”. “Didn’t reinstall it when the relationship ended.”

 Despite his unsuccessful relationship, Berenberg thought that the idea of creating a dating app for dog lovers was good. 

 “I think it was a fun idea, and I would recommend people to try it out,” he said.

Not all Dig users share the same sentiment as Berenberg and many of them have publicly voiced their concerns on an online review forum for the app.

Jennifer Madaj wrote that the dating profiles needed to be more informative to truly help people find a potential soulmate. 

“The concept is a good one and I had really high hopes for this,”Madaj said in her review. “Obviously being a dog lover is extremely important, but it’s not the sole requirement to making a good match with someone. More basic information about each match and the kind of match they’re looking for should be provided,” 

Other users are concerned with the dating apps limited reach. 

“The experience is decent, but there’s all of about ten people on it in my area so I literally ran out of profiles to look at in under an hour,” Jimmy Ludiwg, a Dig user, wrote. 

Aware of these challenges, Isaacson and her sister are hoping to get the word out through organising large scale, dog friendly events. These events intend to bring together organizations and groups who work in the pet business, providing them a platform to network with one another in person.

Lisa Lippman is a veterinarian who has attended many Dig events where she has met valuable connections. 

“There are so many photo and networking opportunities.” Lippman said. “I met a dog walking company that I became really good friends with and that I refer to all the time.” 

A single dog lovers speed dating event, where owners bring along their pooches to sniff out a potential partner. Photo courtesy to Dig.

 In person speed dating events provide an opportunity for the dating app users to bring their dogs along and sniff out a potential partner. 

Even though Lippman herself did not participate in the speed dating event, as she was a vendor, she brought along her friend who did.

“I had a friend who I asked to come, a guy who came and participated in the speed dating event,” Lippman said. “He went on one date, but I don’t think it was like magic, unfortunately.”

 Although there was no spark between Lippman’s friend and any of the other singles who attended the event, she believed it was still an enjoyable experience for them both. 

 “The networking is phenomenal and it becomes a small safe in the city,” Lippman said. “I’ve definitely met a lot of people who I would stay in touch with.”

Many Dig event participants and app users are in their 30s and are first time dog owners, but the app is also attracting many users from older age groups.

“The generation that we thought [the app] was going to be the most popular was right when you get your first dog,” Isaacson said. “It’s definitely the most active group on the app for sure, but we’re seeing a huge amount of 55 plus, especially recent divorcees, a lot more women than men, really coming and turning to Dig.”

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Danny Fred, 29, says he can’t fit into the mold of the stereotypical gay male presented on the front cover. Photo by Rajeev Dhir.

There’s an almost schoolboy like charm to Danny Fred. He’s got a very youthful face and it’s hard to believe he’s 29 years old. His eyes squint when he laughs, an infectious sound that echoes through the living room of his modest apartment in Jamaica, Queens.

Settling back into his sofa, he rested a leg on the seat, ready to open up about his upcoming date. He was excited – the two met on an online dating site. After speaking on the phone for about a week, they agreed to their first face-to-face meeting over the weekend.

“I’ve met a lot of guys in the bars. I’ve met guys talking on the phone,” said Fred, who’s a proud Puerto Rican-Italian. “But now I actually meet guys a lot of the time online.”

Talking to guys on the internet, he said, is easy, because it allows you to build up a persona and chat comfortably without any pressure. Meeting in person, though, is an ultimate goal. But there is something that always makes him a little nervous before every first date. Fred is disabled.

“I was born with cerebral palsy and I’m HIV-positive,” he said. “It isn’t easy being a gay man with a disability in New York City.”

That’s because Fred believes he isn’t what most people consider to be the stereotypical gay male. For decades, clean-cut, muscular Caucasian men have become the dominant image of what gay men look like in mainstream media, even though diversity is the focus at most Pride celebrations annually and gay men who don’t fit that image find themselves on the outside.

Because his disability causes Fred to walk with a slight limp and he takes retrovirals everyday for the HIV virus, he said he faces discrimination in his social, romantic and everyday lives.

“I’ve had people look at me differently. I’ve had people within the LGBT community stare at me as I walk down the street,” said Fred.

Even though he’s embraced and accepted his disability, he tries to hide it by changing the way he dresses when he goes out in public so it won’t be noticed nearly as much. Even with something as invisible as the HIV virus, Fred said he’s felt the cold shoulder from other gay men.

“I’m fearful about what someone might say. Some gay men are like, oh no, I don’t want to catch it. Or oh, no, I don’t ever want a lover with HIV.”

Fred talks about being a gay man with a disability

Danny Fred talks about being a gay man with a disability 2

Racial bias can also be problematic within the community, according to Dennis Chin, who came out while he attended the City College in New Jersey. The 29-year old said it’s even more apparent in the online dating world, where personal preferences can often isolate and segregate certain groups. Sites like Adam4Adam, Manhunt and smartphone apps like Grindr and Jackd allow users to post racial and physical preferences, with some men’s profiles advertising “no fems, no blacks, no Asians” and even “no fatties”. Chin said he was bombarded with these kinds of messages, which influenced his own personal perceptions when he first came out.

“In the early 80s and 90s and I think even now, the face of the gay movement is a white, buffed up male,” he said. “You identify with what’s available. You think of yourself as white. I didn’t think of other Asians as datable or desirable and that was really a reflection of myself.”

Chin on race in the LGBT community

Dennis Chin on race in the LGBT community

But some people aren’t surprised that gay people discriminate. The problems facing the LGBT community are just reflective of larger society, said Richard Rothstein, 65, who felt the isolation that came with the anti-Semetic rhetoric he said he grew up with during his childhood in Manhattan. Although it deeply affected him, he said, those experiences better equipped him to deal with prejudice within the gay community.

Richard Rothstein, 65, believes there’s no difference between discrimination in mainstream society and the LGBT community. Photo by Rajeev Dhir.

“I know what discrimination and being on the outside is all about,” said Rothstein. “I know what being segregated is all about. That’s going to empower me. That’s going to make me stronger in terms of dealing with now being gay.”

Rothstein, who came out at 40, overcame the challenges of living as a gay Jewish man in New York City, but still faces biases from the community at large. Ageism is rampant in the gay community, where stereotyping occurs against individuals based on their age groups. It isn’t uncommon in the gay community, he said, for younger men to be cast as submissive “twinks” or older men to be seen as “daddies”.

“My best friend is a 27-year-old straight man and when we go out we often catch heat about the sugar daddy nonsense,” he said. “Because why else would a man his age be with a man my age. It never occurs to people that we love each other, share some important common interests and have fun when we’re together.”

Rothstein on discrimination within the LGBT community

Richard Rothstein on discrimination within the LGBT community

Licensed clinical social worker Paul Hays said any oppressed minority, including the LGBT community, isn’t immune to the ills of the greater society. One way to handle that is to shun others (who aren’t part of the norm) for their differences. Being at the receiving end of discrimination of any kind, Hays said, can have a long lasting effect on someone’s emotional well being.

“You see examples of that everyday. Drug and alcohol use in our community is sky-high compared to other populations. Teen suicide, that’s what we’re hearing a lot about today,” said Hays. Treating gay people who suffer from problems like racism and other forms of discrimination, he said, comes by providing a safe and open spot to open up.

Advocacy groups like Audre Lorde Project have been working with LGBT and gender non-conforming people of color from all walks of life adjust to the realities of living in a diverse community to help fill in the gaps and provide community support.

“We are not mainstream. We are not like the big groups that do corporate service or have these support groups,” said Irma Bajar, ALP’s membership program coordinator. “So we don’t represent the Will and Grace or Ellen DeGeneres. In this particular space that ALP has created, there is no box, there is no ‘if you are a gay man that you look a certain way or your body is a certain shape’. There is none of that.”

Anthony Trocchia, 44, facilitates the Disabled Queers of New York group once a month at The Center on 13th Street. Photo by Rajeev Dhir

Rejection from the mainstream has also lead to an increased number of people reaching out to support groups for social networking. These groups often cater to niche communities, which represent a variety of racial minorities, physical abilities and personal interests. Anthony Trocchia, a 44-year old man with muscular dystrophy, started a support group for disabled gay men four years ago. Disabled Queers of New York (DQNY) offers a safe and open space for men of different abilities. Trocchia said the group has been a success, with at least a dozen members that meet once a month.

“It’s (being a gay man with a disability) is difficult,” said Trocchia, who has used a wheelchair for the last 33 years. “I wanted to create an environment where guys could meet each other.”

Gay Asian Pacific Islander Men of New York formed out of a gay men of color group in 1990 to meet the specific needs of a growing Asian and Pacific Islander community within the LGBT population of the city.

“There was a lot of discrimination in the mainstream gay clubs where black Latino and Asian folks would not be able to go into clubs and there would be regular racial bias,” said Chin, who’s the chair of GAPIMNY. “So that men of color group formed because there was this strong desire to talk about race and validate their own experiences as gay men of color.”

Although groups like DQNY and GAPIMNY provide a safe, open space for their members, some people believe they can have a harmful effect on minority groups they serve.

“Sometimes, that comes at the expense of just sectioning yourself off, rather than coming to the issue,” said Terry Purdue, 28, an African-American gay man who has also faced discrimination based on his race. “I understand being able to appreciate the black, white and Asian differences.”

Purdue said he would rather people confront prejudice rather than self-segregate, which is what Chin would like to see more of within the community.

“We need to have a conversation about how you deal with that (discrimination) in the larger context. Having conversations like ‘are you being racist?’ don’t go anywhere,” he said. But what does, Chin added, is breaking down the definitions of the stereotypical gay man. “And that has to come from within the community.”

Fred agreed, adding, breaking down those walls comes first from within. “It’s taken us years to be comfortable with ourselves,” he said. “No matter what I do, I’m always going to have this disability. I’m always going to be HIV-positive. And I can’t change that. I hope that once people get to know me, they can see past the physical form and look at the person in their heart.”

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Sexuality in the Square from Pavement Pieces on Vimeo.

Have a relationship problem? Or a sexual question? Too embarrassed to ask your doctor, family, or best friend? Look no further than Union Square. For the last five years, Francisco Ramirez has given average New Yorkers a friendly ear and advice twice weekly, for two hours each day, at no charge. The reason? He loves to listen and feels everyone needs someone to listen to them regardless of whether or not they can afford it.

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Alex Kiton, 26, watches as his tutees attempt to approach and chat with women in Union Square. A professional pick-up artist employed by an international company, Kiton regularly leads practical pick-up lessons in public places like bars, bookstores, and parks. Photo by Jordyn Taylor

It was an unseasonably warm Sunday afternoon in early March, and a group of around 10 strangers—all men—had gathered outside the Whole Foods Market in Union Square. Around 3:45 p.m. they spotted the man they were waiting to see, gliding toward them in sunglasses and a leather jacket: Alexander Kiton—the man who would teach them how to pick up women.

After some brief introductions (some of the men were new to Kiton’s Sunday class; others had been before), Kiton led the group across the street to the tiered plaza at the heart of Union Square. It was time for pick-up practice.

“Girl in the headphones, that’s you,” Kiton said, pointing to one of his pupils. “Girl with the bandana, that’s you,” he said, pointing to another. Then they took off towards their targets.

Kiton, 26, is a full-time financier by day; by night and on weekends, he’s a professional dating coach—a real-life “Hitch”  out of the 2005 film. After years of personal practice, Kiton developed his own unique strategy for picking up women—one he says is better than anything you’ll find in today’s popular pick-up literature. From one-on-one and group sessions to YouTube podcasts, Kiton is now determined to share his romantic tactics with the bachelors of America and beyond.

It all started in Kiton’s school days. Surprisingly, despite being smart, having friends, and playing varsity sports, the dating coach’s love life was frustratingly lacking.

“I had all these things that I thought would make me attractive and I still didn’t get any girls,” Kiton said. And that puts a guy in a really difficult situation. Because it’s one thing when you’re like, ‘Why am I not getting any girls?’ And then other guys, they look at you and they’re like, I bet that guy gets a lot of girls. And as a guy, [and] a lacrosse player, you can never admit that. So you’re almost living this lie.”

The summer he was 21, Kiton took a girl out to dinner, where they ran into one of his friends, Bill. By the end of the night, after the group had gone out to drinks together, it was Bill—not Kiton—who ended up scoring future dates with the girl.

Though the betrayal was painful, it would also provide fuel for Kiton’s future success.

Soon after, Kiton found out that Bill had learned his moves by reading a popular dating how-to book.

“I was like, ‘I’m going to go buy this book and be better than him’,” Kiton said.

The book in question was Neil Strauss’s bestseller, “The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists.”  The book flew off the shelves when it was released in 2005.

“Almost every guy you know has read it, I guarantee it,” said Kiton.

Complete with recommended pick-up lines and bodily gestures, “The Game” lays out a step-by-step guide for men to snag a hook-up.

But the artificiality of Strauss’s proscribed tactics weren’t working for Kiton, who had recently moved to England to study at the London School of Economics.

“I went out and tried this [stuff], and got even less results,” Kiton said.

Looking back on his failed attempts at picking up the London ladies, Kiton now understands where he went wrong, and why “The Game” wasn’t earning him any playing time.

“[Men ask] the questions, ‘How do I become attractive to a girl?’ ‘How do I become interesting to a girl?’ And then, ‘What do I say in order to get a girl to like me?’ [But] no matter how well we are able to answer those questions, we’re never going to get good results. Because those questions are leading us to being inauthentic, and not being real.”

Leaving “The Game” behind, Kiton started applying his new-and-improved strategy to his pick-ups—both personally, and professionally. In 2008, his unique, effective tactics landed him a job with PUATraining,  a self-described “international seduction training company” that pairs professional pick-up artists—called “trainers”—with single men looking to find romantic partners. Kiton worked as a “trainer” in England, Denmark and Texas before ultimately settling in New York’s East Village, where he fits in PUATraining around his 80-hour-per-week day job.

Sometimes, he’ll take a client for practical training at a bar, where he’ll sit in the corner and observe their attempts at talking to women. Other times, he’ll fit a client with a hidden camera, send him off toward a female target, and then analyze the video with the client once he’s returned. On some weekends Kiton will give lectures, or he’ll lead free group classes in Union Square. His mantra is always clear: don’t plan out the “perfect” opening line or the “coolest” conversation topic—just be yourself.

Some clients, like David Rothblatt, 35, of Nassau County—who has read “The Game” “50 to 100 times in the past 7 years”—question Kiton’s strategy.

“The real Alexander is cool,” said Rothblatt, who has attended Kiton’s Union Square classes three or four times. “[But] what if I’m a tall, smelly pimply kid with glasses? I’ve been trying to attract women in New York City and Long Island for 6, 7 years, and they go for guys who look a certain way and make them feel a certain way.”

Still, Rothblatt acknowledged that Kiton is a talented pick-up artist, and that the Union Square classes have been helpful to him.

“I got phone numbers,” Rothblatt said in regards to one of the classes he attended. “I feel good around [Kiton]. He’s a positive guy, he doesn’t B.S. you. He doesn’t sugar coat it. He’s a good guy, but he’s direct. I respect that.”

Kiton may have his skeptics, but there’s no doubt that his strategies are winning over the women.

“A bunch of people got married,” Kiton said of his clients. “I’ve been told I changed people’s lives all the time. It’s very cool.”

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